You know when you experience something that is truly horrible, but then time does that thing where it passes and somehow you manage to still exist instead of withering away. You survive and maybe you even say that the moment made you strong. I think we all have had, hopefully a small amount of these experiences in our life. I have had mine, when I was 14, 18, and then again this year, I am 25. This time was different. It was like the little girl, and young woman who had made it through in the past came out from inside me, riding a big black horse and waving a sword saying, “You are strong, you have been through and lost worse, so remember your strength and get your shit together!” And so that’s what I did.
When Noel my fiancé and best friend of the past 6 years of my life had decided that he was unhappy. He said he didn’t know what he wanted, and that in order to figure it out he needed to leave. He didn’t tell me where he was going, when he was coming back, and where that left us. Now, this isn’t a tear him down story this is about growth and independence. Just keep reading. Anyways, so he left and from Friday evening to Monday night he was gone. Now lucky for me I have an incredible group of friends and a mother who were there to listen to me, and stay with me while I dealt with the fact that my whole life had just come to a screeching halt (dramatic maybe but that is seriously how I felt) to be specific I have never slept alone…I am one of four girls, in college I had roommates and now here I was alone.
So long story short he came back Monday night after work, and told me that he was unhappy with the current status of his life, a major part of it being his relationship with me. He told me that if we were to make it work then we needed to rework our relationship. He wanted us to be individuals who happened to be in a relationship, instead of what we had been up to that point which was a couple defined by their relationship. I had a decision to make, either we were going to go our separate ways, or I was going to learn to live a life with myself at the center of it. Since I couldn’t imagine my life without him I decided to make it work, and start figuring out how to live a life that didn’t include him as the main event.
It’s only been a couple weeks but things are changing, some good, some uncomfortable and some sad but mostly its empowering. I am rediscovering myself, and it’s really this beautiful co-mingling of two people. One, Lauren the girl who lost herself in a relationship and forgot how fiercely beautiful life can be when you make time for yourself. The other Elizabeth, the girl who is writing this story now. One who is taking time to cultivate her creativity, make time for the things that make her truly happy, and who knows that being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.
In the end, I am learning that I have the power to create a life for myself that I love living. Embracing this new life can be uncomfortable but I truly enjoy the ability to make my day to day life align with my passions, and I can honestly say that I am the main event of my own life now and it is the most liberating, terrifying, and inspiring thing I have ever done.